Human Traffic 2×1
DEEKS: So… Cyrillic alphabet. Russian, yeah?
HETTY: You play?
DEEKS: In English. And badly. In Russian… It’s giving me a headache just thinking about it. What’s that word?
HETTY: “Opasnost”. It means “danger.”
DEEKS: Great. So a Russian Scrabble/Ouija board, then.
DEEKS: Think you got a triple word score there with the one with all the squiggly letters. What’s it mean?
HETTY: “Be careful.”
DEEKS: Okay. Pretty sure you just made that up, but I, uh… but I will. And, um… thank you.
[In the basement, all is quiet. Sam and Callen are looking for their men. (clattering) Both kill them. (groaning). Sam joins Callen (sighs); Deeks almost shoots Sam]
DEEKS(sighs): Couple more minutes, I think I could have taken ’em all.
SAM: Hey, Deeks. It’s good to see you.
DEEKS: Good to see you, too, Sam.
KENSI [hurrying in the stairs]: Callen. Sam.
SAM: Clear, Kensi.
DEEKS: [To Kensi] Told you I’d be back.
KENSI: Oh, shut up.
Black Widow 2×2
Callen: hazing the new guy or is he hazing you?
Deeks: haze me Kensi, please.
[(sirens blaring). ♪ ♪ Kensi is driving in LA. ♪ ♪ Near a stop sign, there’s a homeless man. He holds a plastic glass, asking for some coins. He shows a sign: “God bless” but turns it over when he sees Kensi. She reads “morning Kensi”]. ♪ ♪
KENSI: Deeks. [She stops her car, removes her sun glasses, he throws his sign down]: What are you doing?
DEEKS: Coming off a little LAPD undercover field trip. How about a ride?
KENSI: (sniffs) Oh, my God. Is that you?
DEEKS: Well, I’m method when I go under.
KENSI: That’s disgusting. That’s really disgusting.
DEEKS: Listen, you can’t be a convincing homeless person if you smell like you just stepped out of a spa, all right? So I never wash these clothes. I just keep ’em in my fridge so they keep their authenticity.
KENSI: That’s great. I wouldn’t let you ride in my trunk smelling like that. [She starts closing her window].
DEEKS: No, no. No, no. Come on! Come on!
KENSI: Bye, Deeks. [her car moves off]
DEEKS: Kensi! [alone, looking at the car already gone]: Thanks, partner. [A car stops in front of him]
MAN: Here, buddy. [He throws a coin in the glass]
DEEKS: Oh, really? A quarter? A quarter?!
KENSI: I’m good.
SAM: We’re good!
DEEKS: I’m good, too, just in case anybody cares.
Special Delivery 2×4
DEEKS: Does Hetty cook?
KENSI [surprised, then she gets it]: If she does, it’s with a pot from Singapore, a spoon given to her by a shaman, and a cookbook written in Swahili.
DEEKS: I’m more of a frozen pizza pocket guy myself.
KENSI: Well, the ladies must love that.
DEEKS: (chuckles) it’s all about the wine pairing.
ANSHIRI: Good afternoon. [Nicely]: How can I help you?
DEEKS: We are looking for an engagement ring.
ANSHIRI: Of course.
KENSI: A big one.
DEEKS: (chuckles) she told me that size doesn’t matter. [Mr Anshiri already puts on the counter a box full of very big and beautiful rings].
KENSI: (gasps) Oh, my God. Look at that one. [She points one of the ring, looks at Deeks, smiling]
DEEKS: Oh, it’s so beautiful, my sweet. [He puts a hand on Kensi’s back]: An excellent choice. [She tramples down his foot with her stiletto heel, hurting him] (gasps, groans quietly)
ANSHIRI: A beautiful diamond for a beautiful woman. [He takes Kensi’s hand, wanting to try the ring on her finger; he sees the bracelet, smiles no more]: That’s an interesting bracelet. Do you mind if I ask you where you got it?
KENSI: Oh, it was a gift.
ANSHIRI [no more kind]: From who?
KENSI: A friend.
ANSHIRI: I can’t help you. You must leave.
[They are going out of the store]
KENSI: What were you doing in there?
DEEKS: Just trying to make it look convincing.
KENSI: You suck at being convincing, Deeks. Who the hell says “my sweet”?
DEEKS: It’s a term of endearment.
KENSI: Like, in 1945. [She dials a number on her cell phone]. Callen, we need to watch this guy. He’s definitely sketchy.
CALLEN: We’re talking about Anshiri, right? [Kensi looks at him in the car, and goes. Deeks follows].
DEEKS: Princess? Princess…
Kensi: I hotwired a Cessna once.
Deeks: Why? Seriously, why would you need to hotwire a airplane?
KENSI : Can I see your gun?
DEEKS :My gun? What for?
KENSI :It’s a Beretta 92FS, right? LAPD issue?
DEEKS : Actually, yeah.
KENSI : NCIS agents carry Sigs. I just want to see how yours fires.
DEEKS : I’m sorry, you want to fire my gun?
KENSI : You’re acting weird.
DEEKS : I just don’t like people firing my gun.
KENSI : Okay. Let me just hold it, then.
DEEKS : I don’t like people holding my gun.
KENSI :You can fire mine.
DEEKS : I don’t want to fire your gun, all right? I don’t want anything to do with your gun, and it’s not personal.
KENSI : Feels personal.
DEEKS : It’s just…it’s just a guy thing.
KENSI : A guy thing?
DEEKS : A gu… a gun thing. I said it’s a gun thing.
[Kensi puts her paper target under Deeks ‘s nose].
KENSI : Funny. You said “a guy thing.” [she flies away].
DEEKS [watching Kensi’s paper target, 2 bullets in the heart] : Oh, buddy. Hell hath no fury like Kensi Marie Blye. [Realizing there’s a hole lower…] : The groin? Really? Why does one practice shooting someone in the groin?
Marty Deeks: [Quietly] Don’t stop. Keep telling me. Get mad, act like we’re breaking up. Get angry. Ready to go?
Special Agent Kensi Blye: Are you for real?
Marty Deeks: Partner.
[Kensi walks away. Loudly]
Marty Deeks: Oh come on, Sunshine. Wait!
Special Agent Kensi Blye: Stay away from me. It’s over! I can’t do this any more!
Marty Deeks: Listen. I – I’m sorry, all right? I know that it’s tough when I’m on the road all the time – with the band.
Special Agent Kensi Blye: I don’t care about that! You – you cheated on me – with my brother!
Marty Deeks: A hunch? You don’t kick a guy in his junk on a hunch. Geez! Sometimes I don’t even know you. Who does that?
Marty Deeks: Just uh, don’t let Kensi interrogate them.
Special Agent G. Callen: Why’s that?
Marty Deeks: Cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the Nom de plumes.
Special Agent Sam Hanna: No.
Marty Deeks: Guy didn’t have his weapon out.
Special Agent G. Callen: Really?
Special Agent Kensi Blye: I…
Marty Deeks: Right in the cul de sac. Kicked him so hard gave me a stomach ache.
Special Agent Kensi Blye: So what? It would have been better if I pistol whpped him in his face?
Marty Deeks, Special Agent G. Callen, Special Agent Sam Hanna: Yes!
DEEKS: All right, two windows. Clear view of the parking lot. Not a single tree, bush or blade of grass to conceal the foot approach. May be functional and dreary on the outside. Wait for it. [He opens a front door]: Once the key has been turned, a little slice of heaven.
DEEKS: So, uh, kitchenette there. Bathroom right around the corner. They change these sheets like clockwork once a week, and free cable. Except for porn.
KENSI: It’s nice. Classy.
DEEKS: You would know.
TALBOT: So what do we do now?
KENSI: Well, uh, we do what most families do on Christmas Eve.
DEEKS: Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in the toaster?
KENSI [Sitting down the couch, the remote command in one hand, looking at Talbot]: How about eat and watch TV?
DEEKS: That’s a great idea. The game just started. [He hurries to sit down].
KENSI: I was thinking more along the lines of Miracle on 34th Street.
Deeks: Turkey sandwiches for everybody?
Kensi: Actually tradition in my house was ice cream and beer.
Kensi: Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
Deeks: Oh, I’ve tried it. Although it was 7th grade and didn’t end pretty for anyone. Unless of course, you like Jackson Pollock.
DEEKS: Okay, so that is there. [He shows a screen with the footages of different cameras]: We also have him on camera here, here and here. It’s a closed circuit DVR deck, but it’s low resolution. They’re wearing caps, and they are turned away from the camera. Wow. Bad guys, one; cops, zero. Downloading. [He shows his phone, looks at the bodies in their plactic covers on shelters]: Funny, isn’t it? A thousand ways to die.
KENSI: Only two ways to go, though: cremated or buried.
DEEKS: Not me. I don’t want to be buried, and I certainly don’t want to be burned.
KENSI: Oh, you will have to choose: casket or urn?
DEEKS: No. I’m going for cryogenic suspension.
DEEKS: Mm-hmm. Frozen in a suspended state of animation, and then thawed out when they have the medical technology to bring me back.
KENSI: Can we keep you in the office? Ooh, with a little viewing window, like an aquarium. That’d be so cool.
DEEKS: You mock me now. 20 years from now, I’m going to come back. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna marry your daughter.
KENSI: Oh! [Downloads ends, they go through the hall to join the others]
DEEKS: Oh! That is awkward.
KENSI: That is creepy!
DEEKS: You know what I would love, though, is for you to be my mother-in-law. Think about that. “Oh, Mrs. Blye, it’s so good to see you. What a wonderful one-piece jumpsuit you’re wearing.”
KENSI: Just stop it. You’re giving me nightmares.
DEEKS: It’s just me helping you with your walker to the early-bird special.
KENSI: Shut up.
DEEKS: (sighs)This is awesome. [He opens the glove compartement, searches inside]
KENSI: What are you looking for?
DEEKS: I’m looking for something to eat.
KENSI: Well, that’s a glove compartment, not a refrigerator.
DEEKS:(chuckles) Yeah, like you don’t stash your Ho Hos in here? All right, come on, lady.(slams drawer) Don’t hold out on me, ’cause I am starving.
KENSI: I don’t have anything.
DEEKS: Yes, you do.
KENSI: I don’t have anything.
DEEKS: How come I smell… (sniffs) [He sniffes Kensi] (four little sniffs) (long sniff) Peanut butter at?
KENSI: What ?
DEEKS: Yeah. Peanut butter, chocolate– I smell it. Where is it?
KENSI: No. [He stares at her, increduleous]
KENSI: No. You know why you smell them? Because…
KENSI: I left one on the seat, and it… melted. Many, many, many months ago.
DEEKS: Hmm, So why do we smell it now? Hmm?
DEEKS: You want to talk about it?
DEEKS: W-We’re here to listen.
KENSI: No, I’m fine.
SAM: Let her eat her feelings in peace.
KENSI: All right. I decided to go on a second date with the graphic artist.
SAM [getting up and coming closer]: Okay, and let me guess, mommy issues? He talk to you in a baby voice? [Deeks joins them]
KENSI: No, we had a great night. Even took me to Medieval Times.
DEEKS: As a joke?KENSI: It was cute. I told him on our first date that I wanted to go there ever since I was a kid.
DEEKS: And you got a second date? [Kensi, fullmouth and hurtful]
SAM: So where did it go wrong? He challenge you to a joust?
DEEKS: You do get super grumpy when you lose.
SAM: He steal your giant turkey leg?
KENSI:You guys are really funny. Forget about it. [She’s still eating]
SAM: Go ahead, Kensi.
KENSI: I realized I forgot my wallet in his car, so I went over this morning, and I saw him standing in his driveway, kissing this blonde wench.
DEEKS: Ooh, language.
KENSI: No, no, an actual wench. Our beer wench from Medieval Times.
DEEKS: That hurts. (phone ringing) [Sam picks up his call]
Empty Quiver 2×16
DEEKS: Is that an actual red alert? I mean, are there battle stations now that need to be manned?
KENSI: It’s a text message.
DEEKS: (chuckles) It’s a text message.
KENSI: What was that look for?
DEEKS: You’re– you’re just, you’re very, um…
KENSI: Very what?
DEEKS: You’re very tightly wound.
KENSI: That’s not true.
DEEKS: It’s true, all right? Your personal electronics are filled with intensity.
KENSI: Is there something on your mind, Deeks?
KENSI: Is there?
KENSI: Didn’t think so.
DEEKS: You always need to drive. You set your clocks 15 minutes fast. You set my clocks 15 minutes fast. Everything is a competition. You have to have separate checks at Starbucks, You make fun of guys that order nonfat lattes. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is being your partner?
KENSI: Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to hear you ramble on about the 2012 apocalypse earlier this morning?
DEEKS: Not– not the apocalypse, okay? It’s the galactic realignment. Geomagnetic reversal. Time wave zero, all right? It’s the Niburu collision. You may know it as b’ak’tun 13.
KENSI [sarcastic]: I think you mean “bake” tun 13.
DEEKS: “Bake-tun?” Really? “Bake-tun?” Your Mayan accent is terrible. Yeah, that’s right, and you know why I know that? Because astronomers were talking about it last night at the bar.
KENSI: Astronomers were at the bar that you go to?
KENSI: The one that sells flavored condoms at the vending machine?
DEEKS: Why is that so hard for you to believe? [Kensi sighs] Okay, yeah, the bartender changed it to the Discovery Channel after the Lakers game, but it felt very real to me.
HETTY: Good morning. [She comes in happily]
KENSI: Okay, Hetty, glad you showed up. It’s very difficult to take anything that guy says seriously.
DEEKS: Says the most serious person I’ve ever met in my entire life.
KENSI: Okay, Deeks is a nice guy.
DEEKS: And Kensi is a nice girl, all right? It’s not her.
KENSI: It’s not him.
DEEKS: It’s…It’s us.
HETTY: Well, I don’t believe it’s a problem. I’m hearing two people who are beginning to sound like partners. [Both Kensi and Deeks look doubtful]
[Nell hurries into the armory]
NELL: Hi. Callen and Sam are waiting for you guys in the ops center.
HETTY: And it’s pronounced “ba-aak” tun 13.
DEEKS: Of course it is.
Deeks: Okay, so then why’s he carrying a .22? It’s a girl’s gun.
Kensi: I’m a girl.
Deeks: Well, you’re not a real girl. You’re like – you’re like Wonder Woman. And Wonder Woman wouldn’t carry a .22.
Kensi: Compliment accepted.
The Job 2×20
DEEKS: What? Was that, uh, that aimed at me? Are you saying that I talk too much? Is that what you’re implying, here? Because, uh, I’ve never got that complaint before. Actually, people say that I don’t talk enough. They say, “You’re really charming. You should talk more. You should double down with that talking, ’cause…” [They stare at him, he lowers his head] I’m gonna shut up.
Rocket Man 2×21
Callen: Anything useful on Drewett’s cellphone?
Nell: Uh, it froze then melted.
Deeks: So it… frelted?
Callen: Spell that.
Plan B 2×22
RAY: Oh, I feel like I’m having an allergic reaction to those squibs– you know, I have allergies, Marty.
DEEKS: Well, maybe we should’ve set up your relocation in Nebraska.
RAY: Oh, that’s not funny. I’m the best informant you ever had.
DEEKS: A claim you can only make due to the fact that you’re a criminal.
RAY: Retired! You’re looking at the new man–upstanding citizen.
DEEKS: That must’ve been difficult to say with a straight face.
DEEKS: You sure you’re going to be able to handle all those women down in Miami?
RAY: The women, yes. But I feel like I’m going to get whacked by an alligator; like they’re just waiting for my pasty ass.
KENSI: Okay, you guys do know that alligators don’t actually prey on human beings; crocodiles do. Both live in the Miami vicinity, but mainly in swamps.
RAY: She just go all Wikipedia on me?
DEEKS: Yeah, she just went all Wikipedia on you, dude.
Kensi: Feel free to dazzle me with your detective skills anytime.
Deeks: Heh. You couldn’t handle my skills.
Kensi: Oh? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Deeks: That’s classy.
Nell: Oh, actually, Detective, Hetty asked if she could speak with you… alone. Kensi: Ooo. Someone’s in trouble Deeks: Yeah, right. Sam: Just remember the distress word.
Callen: Yeah. If that doesn’t work, just feint a seizure.
[Callen and Sam leave]
Deeks: I’m not in trouble. I’m not in trouble.
[Quietly to Kensi]
Deeks: Hey, am I in trouble?
What’s was your favorite Banter Moment with Deeks in Season Two ?? Reminisce away in the comment section…
Special Thanks to: Bee and ChrisDaisy