Human Traffic 2×1
DEEKS: So… Cyrillic alphabet. Russian, yeah?
HETTY: You play?
DEEKS: In English. And badly. In Russian… It’s giving me a headache just thinking about it. What’s that word?
HETTY: “Opasnost”. It means “danger.”
DEEKS: Great. So a Russian Scrabble/Ouija board, then.
DEEKS: Think you got a triple word score there with the one with all the squiggly letters. What’s it mean?
HETTY: “Be careful.”
DEEKS: Okay. Pretty sure you just made that up, but I, uh… but I will. And, um… thank you.
[In the basement, all is quiet. Sam and Callen are looking for their men. (clattering) Both kill them. (groaning). Sam joins Callen (sighs); Deeks almost shoots Sam]
DEEKS(sighs): Couple more minutes, I think I could have taken ’em all.
SAM: Hey, Deeks. It’s good to see you.
DEEKS: Good to see you, too, Sam.
KENSI [hurrying in the stairs]: Callen. Sam.
SAM: Clear, Kensi.
DEEKS: [To Kensi] Told you I’d be back.
KENSI: Oh, shut up.
Black Widow 2×2
Callen: hazing the new guy or is he hazing you?
Deeks: haze me Kensi, please.
[(sirens blaring). ♪ ♪ Kensi is driving in LA. ♪ ♪ Near a stop sign, there’s a homeless man. He holds a plastic glass, asking for some coins. He shows a sign: “God bless” but turns it over when he sees Kensi. She reads “morning Kensi”]. ♪ ♪
KENSI: Deeks. [She stops her car, removes her sun glasses, he throws his sign down]: What are you doing?
DEEKS: Coming off a little LAPD undercover field trip. How about a ride?
KENSI: (sniffs) Oh, my God. Is that you?
DEEKS: Well, I’m method when I go under.
KENSI: That’s disgusting. That’s really disgusting.
DEEKS: Listen, you can’t be a convincing homeless person if you smell like you just stepped out of a spa, all right? So I never wash these clothes. I just keep ’em in my fridge so they keep their authenticity.
KENSI: That’s great. I wouldn’t let you ride in my trunk smelling like that. [She starts closing her window].
DEEKS: No, no. No, no. Come on! Come on!
KENSI: Bye, Deeks. [her car moves off]
DEEKS: Kensi! [alone, looking at the car already gone]: Thanks, partner. [A car stops in front of him]
MAN: Here, buddy. [He throws a coin in the glass]
DEEKS: Oh, really? A quarter? A quarter?!
KENSI: I’m good.
SAM: We’re good!
DEEKS: I’m good, too, just in case anybody cares.
Special Delivery 2×4
DEEKS: Does Hetty cook?
KENSI [surprised, then she gets it]: If she does, it’s with a pot from Singapore, a spoon given to her by a shaman, and a cookbook written in Swahili.
DEEKS: I’m more of a frozen pizza pocket guy myself.
KENSI: Well, the ladies must love that.
DEEKS: (chuckles) it’s all about the wine pairing.
ANSHIRI: Good afternoon. [Nicely]: How can I help you?
DEEKS: We are looking for an engagement ring.
ANSHIRI: Of course.
KENSI: A big one.
DEEKS: (chuckles) she told me that size doesn’t matter. [Mr Anshiri already puts on the counter a box full of very big and beautiful rings].
KENSI: (gasps) Oh, my God. Look at that one. [She points one of the ring, looks at Deeks, smiling]
DEEKS: Oh, it’s so beautiful, my sweet. [He puts a hand on Kensi’s back]: An excellent choice. [She tramples down his foot with her stiletto heel, hurting him] (gasps, groans quietly)
ANSHIRI: A beautiful diamond for a beautiful woman. [He takes Kensi’s hand, wanting to try the ring on her finger; he sees the bracelet, smiles no more]: That’s an interesting bracelet. Do you mind if I ask you where you got it?
KENSI: Oh, it was a gift.
ANSHIRI [no more kind]: From who?
KENSI: A friend.
ANSHIRI: I can’t help you. You must leave.
[They are going out of the store]
KENSI: What were you doing in there?
DEEKS: Just trying to make it look convincing.
KENSI: You suck at being convincing, Deeks. Who the hell says “my sweet”?
DEEKS: It’s a term of endearment.
KENSI: Like, in 1945. [She dials a number on her cell phone]. Callen, we need to watch this guy. He’s definitely sketchy.
CALLEN: We’re talking about Anshiri, right? [Kensi looks at him in the car, and goes. Deeks follows].
DEEKS: Princess? Princess…
Kensi: I hotwired a Cessna once.
Deeks: Why? Seriously, why would you need to hotwire a airplane?
KENSI : Can I see your gun?
DEEKS :My gun? What for?
KENSI :It’s a Beretta 92FS, right? LAPD issue?
DEEKS : Actually, yeah.
KENSI : NCIS agents carry Sigs. I just want to see how yours fires.
DEEKS : I’m sorry, you want to fire my gun?
KENSI : You’re acting weird.
DEEKS : I just don’t like people firing my gun.
KENSI : Okay. Let me just hold it, then.
DEEKS : I don’t like people holding my gun.
KENSI :You can fire mine.
DEEKS : I don’t want to fire your gun, all right? I don’t want anything to do with your gun, and it’s not personal.
KENSI : Feels personal.
DEEKS : It’s just…it’s just a guy thing.
KENSI : A guy thing?
DEEKS : A gu… a gun thing. I said it’s a gun thing.
[Kensi puts her paper target under Deeks ‘s nose].
KENSI : Funny. You said “a guy thing.” [she flies away].
DEEKS [watching Kensi’s paper target, 2 bullets in the heart] : Oh, buddy. Hell hath no fury like Kensi Marie Blye. [Realizing there’s a hole lower…] : The groin? Really? Why does one practice shooting someone in the groin?
Marty Deeks: [Quietly] Don’t stop. Keep telling me. Get mad, act like we’re breaking up. Get angry. Ready to go?
Special Agent Kensi Blye: Are you for real?
Marty Deeks: Partner.
[Kensi walks away. Loudly]
Marty Deeks: Oh come on, Sunshine. Wait!
Special Agent Kensi Blye: Stay away from me. It’s over! I can’t do this any more!
Marty Deeks: Listen. I – I’m sorry, all right? I know that it’s tough when I’m on the road all the time – with the band.
Special Agent Kensi Blye: I don’t care about that! You – you cheated on me – with my brother!
Marty Deeks: A hunch? You don’t kick a guy in his junk on a hunch. Geez! Sometimes I don’t even know you. Who does that?
Marty Deeks: Just uh, don’t let Kensi interrogate them.
Special Agent G. Callen: Why’s that?
Marty Deeks: Cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the Nom de plumes.
Special Agent Sam Hanna: No.
Marty Deeks: Guy didn’t have his weapon out.
Special Agent G. Callen: Really?
Special Agent Kensi Blye: I…
Marty Deeks: Right in the cul de sac. Kicked him so hard gave me a stomach ache.
Special Agent Kensi Blye: So what? It would have been better if I pistol whpped him in his face?
Marty Deeks, Special Agent G. Callen, Special Agent Sam Hanna: Yes!
DEEKS: All right, two windows. Clear view of the parking lot. Not a single tree, bush or blade of grass to conceal the foot approach. May be functional and dreary on the outside. Wait for it. [He opens a front door]: Once the key has been turned, a little slice of heaven.
DEEKS: So, uh, kitchenette there. Bathroom right around the corner. They change these sheets like clockwork once a week, and free cable. Except for porn.
KENSI: It’s nice. Classy.
DEEKS: You would know.
TALBOT: So what do we do now?
KENSI: Well, uh, we do what most families do on Christmas Eve.
DEEKS: Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in the toaster?
KENSI [Sitting down the couch, the remote command in one hand, looking at Talbot]: How about eat and watch TV?
DEEKS: That’s a great idea. The game just started. [He hurries to sit down].
KENSI: I was thinking more along the lines of Miracle on 34th Street.
Deeks: Turkey sandwiches for everybody?
Kensi: Actually tradition in my house was ice cream and beer.
Kensi: Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.
Deeks: Oh, I’ve tried it. Although it was 7th grade and didn’t end pretty for anyone. Unless of course, you like Jackson Pollock.
DEEKS: Okay, so that is there. [He shows a screen with the footages of different cameras]: We also have him on camera here, here and here. It’s a closed circuit DVR deck, but it’s low resolution. They’re wearing caps, and they are turned away from the camera. Wow. Bad guys, one; cops, zero. Downloading. [He shows his phone, looks at the bodies in their plactic covers on shelters]: Funny, isn’t it? A thousand ways to die.
KENSI: Only two ways to go, though: cremated or buried.
DEEKS: Not me. I don’t want to be buried, and I certainly don’t want to be burned.
KENSI: Oh, you will have to choose: casket or urn?
DEEKS: No. I’m going for cryogenic suspension.
DEEKS: Mm-hmm. Frozen in a suspended state of animation, and then thawed out when they have the medical technology to bring me back.
KENSI: Can we keep you in the office? Ooh, with a little viewing window, like an aquarium. That’d be so cool.
DEEKS: You mock me now. 20 years from now, I’m going to come back. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna marry your daughter.
KENSI: Oh! [Downloads ends, they go through the hall to join the others]
DEEKS: Oh! That is awkward.
KENSI: That is creepy!
DEEKS: You know what I would love, though, is for you to be my mother-in-law. Think about that. “Oh, Mrs. Blye, it’s so good to see you. What a wonderful one-piece jumpsuit you’re wearing.”
KENSI: Just stop it. You’re giving me nightmares.
DEEKS: It’s just me helping you with your walker to the early-bird special.
KENSI: Shut up.
DEEKS: (sighs)This is awesome. [He opens the glove compartement, searches inside]
KENSI: What are you looking for?
DEEKS: I’m looking for something to eat.
KENSI: Well, that’s a glove compartment, not a refrigerator.
DEEKS:(chuckles) Yeah, like you don’t stash your Ho Hos in here? All right, come on, lady.(slams drawer) Don’t hold out on me, ’cause I am starving.
KENSI: I don’t have anything.
DEEKS: Yes, you do.
KENSI: I don’t have anything.
DEEKS: How come I smell… (sniffs) [He sniffes Kensi] (four little sniffs) (long sniff) Peanut butter at?
KENSI: What ?
DEEKS: Yeah. Peanut butter, chocolate– I smell it. Where is it?
KENSI: No. [He stares at her, increduleous]
KENSI: No. You know why you smell them? Because…
KENSI: I left one on the seat, and it… melted. Many, many, many months ago.
DEEKS: Hmm, So why do we smell it now? Hmm?
DEEKS: You want to talk about it?
DEEKS: W-We’re here to listen.
KENSI: No, I’m fine.
SAM: Let her eat her feelings in peace.
KENSI: All right. I decided to go on a second date with the graphic artist.
SAM [getting up and coming closer]: Okay, and let me guess, mommy issues? He talk to you in a baby voice? [Deeks joins them]
KENSI: No, we had a great night. Even took me to Medieval Times.
DEEKS: As a joke?KENSI: It was cute. I told him on our first date that I wanted to go there ever since I was a kid.
DEEKS: And you got a second date? [Kensi, fullmouth and hurtful]
SAM: So where did it go wrong? He challenge you to a joust?
DEEKS: You do get super grumpy when you lose.
SAM: He steal your giant turkey leg?
KENSI:You guys are really funny. Forget about it. [She’s still eating]
SAM: Go ahead, Kensi.
KENSI: I realized I forgot my wallet in his car, so I went over this morning, and I saw him standing in his driveway, kissing this blonde wench.
DEEKS: Ooh, language.
KENSI: No, no, an actual wench. Our beer wench from Medieval Times.
DEEKS: That hurts. (phone ringing) [Sam picks up his call]
Empty Quiver 2×16
DEEKS: Is that an actual red alert? I mean, are there battle stations now that need to be manned?
KENSI: It’s a text message.
DEEKS: (chuckles) It’s a text message.
KENSI: What was that look for?
DEEKS: You’re– you’re just, you’re very, um…
KENSI: Very what?
DEEKS: You’re very tightly wound.
KENSI: That’s not true.
DEEKS: It’s true, all right? Your personal electronics are filled with intensity.
KENSI: Is there something on your mind, Deeks?
KENSI: Is there?
KENSI: Didn’t think so.
DEEKS: You always need to drive. You set your clocks 15 minutes fast. You set my clocks 15 minutes fast. Everything is a competition. You have to have separate checks at Starbucks, You make fun of guys that order nonfat lattes. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is being your partner?
KENSI: Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to hear you ramble on about the 2012 apocalypse earlier this morning?
DEEKS: Not– not the apocalypse, okay? It’s the galactic realignment. Geomagnetic reversal. Time wave zero, all right? It’s the Niburu collision. You may know it as b’ak’tun 13.
KENSI [sarcastic]: I think you mean “bake” tun 13.
DEEKS: “Bake-tun?” Really? “Bake-tun?” Your Mayan accent is terrible. Yeah, that’s right, and you know why I know that? Because astronomers were talking about it last night at the bar.
KENSI: Astronomers were at the bar that you go to?
KENSI: The one that sells flavored condoms at the vending machine?
DEEKS: Why is that so hard for you to believe? [Kensi sighs] Okay, yeah, the bartender changed it to the Discovery Channel after the Lakers game, but it felt very real to me.
HETTY: Good morning. [She comes in happily]
KENSI: Okay, Hetty, glad you showed up. It’s very difficult to take anything that guy says seriously.
DEEKS: Says the most serious person I’ve ever met in my entire life.
KENSI: Okay, Deeks is a nice guy.
DEEKS: And Kensi is a nice girl, all right? It’s not her.
KENSI: It’s not him.
DEEKS: It’s…It’s us.
HETTY: Well, I don’t believe it’s a problem. I’m hearing two people who are beginning to sound like partners. [Both Kensi and Deeks look doubtful]
[Nell hurries into the armory]
NELL: Hi. Callen and Sam are waiting for you guys in the ops center.
HETTY: And it’s pronounced “ba-aak” tun 13.
DEEKS: Of course it is.
Deeks: Okay, so then why’s he carrying a .22? It’s a girl’s gun.
Kensi: I’m a girl.
Deeks: Well, you’re not a real girl. You’re like – you’re like Wonder Woman. And Wonder Woman wouldn’t carry a .22.
Kensi: Compliment accepted.
The Job 2×20
DEEKS: What? Was that, uh, that aimed at me? Are you saying that I talk too much? Is that what you’re implying, here? Because, uh, I’ve never got that complaint before. Actually, people say that I don’t talk enough. They say, “You’re really charming. You should talk more. You should double down with that talking, ’cause…” [They stare at him, he lowers his head] I’m gonna shut up.
Rocket Man 2×21
Callen: Anything useful on Drewett’s cellphone?
Nell: Uh, it froze then melted.
Deeks: So it… frelted?
Callen: Spell that.
Plan B 2×22
RAY: Oh, I feel like I’m having an allergic reaction to those squibs– you know, I have allergies, Marty.
DEEKS: Well, maybe we should’ve set up your relocation in Nebraska.
RAY: Oh, that’s not funny. I’m the best informant you ever had.
DEEKS: A claim you can only make due to the fact that you’re a criminal.
RAY: Retired! You’re looking at the new man–upstanding citizen.
DEEKS: That must’ve been difficult to say with a straight face.
DEEKS: You sure you’re going to be able to handle all those women down in Miami?
RAY: The women, yes. But I feel like I’m going to get whacked by an alligator; like they’re just waiting for my pasty ass.
KENSI: Okay, you guys do know that alligators don’t actually prey on human beings; crocodiles do. Both live in the Miami vicinity, but mainly in swamps.
RAY: She just go all Wikipedia on me?
DEEKS: Yeah, she just went all Wikipedia on you, dude.
Kensi: Feel free to dazzle me with your detective skills anytime.
Deeks: Heh. You couldn’t handle my skills.
Kensi: Oh? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Deeks: That’s classy.
Nell: Oh, actually, Detective, Hetty asked if she could speak with you… alone. Kensi: Ooo. Someone’s in trouble Deeks: Yeah, right. Sam: Just remember the distress word.
Callen: Yeah. If that doesn’t work, just feint a seizure.
[Callen and Sam leave]
Deeks: I’m not in trouble. I’m not in trouble.
[Quietly to Kensi]
Deeks: Hey, am I in trouble?
What’s was your favorite Banter Moment with Deeks in Season Two ?? Reminisce away in the comment section…
Special Thanks to: Bee and ChrisDaisy
It was fun remembering all these moments. For me, when things get much too intense or out of control for the team, Deeks is the perfect ingredient to break the tension or bring the others back to earth.
It still amazes me how many words he is able to spit out of his mouth. I want to know how much is actually scripted. [Insert plea for outtakes on the DVDs]